Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Why I'm Not Awesome Like Annie Clark, or How Third Eye Blind Ruined My Life

This is Annie Clark...

This is Annie Clark on drugs... wait, she doesn't do drugs, and this isn't a PSA blog.

She's gorgeous, isn't she? What did her momma eat?! I do not know. And unfortunately for me, neither did my mom. Le sigh.

Née Annie Erin Clark, she is best known to people with good taste in music as St. Vincent. Musical genius. Guitar goddess. Coolest person this side of the Mississippi. ('This side' is of course determined by what side of the Mississippi she finds herself at any given moment.) Obsessed much? Me? Peut-être. But to you I ask, how could I not be? Go to Youtube, or iTunes, or Amazon, or drive to your nearest record store (good luck finding one) and get yourself familiar with the awesomeness that is St. Vincent. Go ahead. I'll wait here.


Are you back? Do you now understand why I'm obsessed? You love her, you say? You are her number one fan now? Ok, you are taking this too far. Back off! I saw her first! I will get my shank, and show it to you. You will be impressed. I made it myself. Might've gotten carried away with the BeDazzler, but it's pretty.

Anyway, yes. Annie is cooler than the other side of the pillow that has been resting on a bed of ice, in a room with no heater, and the window was left open, and it's winter. Naturally, I find myself asking myself, and the universe, and my mom, "Why am I not as cool as Annie?" I got no answers. I told myself to go fuck myself. The universe ignored me. And my mom said "Que dijiste?"
I decided then to let it go and pursue an easier question "Where did my life go wrong that I am not awesome at music'ing like Annie?" (Never mind if that makes sense and/or is grammatically correct).

I did a little research*, and was able to compare our musical paths. (Now she is only, like 2 years older than I am. Like only two. Like, I mean...Ok, I've reached my "like" quota.)

Age 5
-Annie receives a toy guitar.
-I receive a toy accordion. (Womp womp) My brother got the little toy guitar. I told my parents I wanted an instrument. Something with keys would be cool. I was expecting a keyboard, or a muthafuckin piano. I get the accordion. Le muthafuckin sigh. No worries. It's still a music instrument, I told myself.

Family influence
-Annie's uncle is like this amazing brilliant Jazz guitarist. (Ah, I used 'like' again). The man is so good, it is insane! (Google Tuck Andress)
-My dad was in a band before he got married. So, before I was around. He, of course, sold all his gear before I was born. Le sigh.

Music education
-Annie is a trained musician. She went to college for 3 years then dropped out, but I'm pretty sure that was only because she was better than what they taught there.
-I took violin lessons in elementary school. Taught myself guitar by ear and books.

-Annie got her first guitar at 12. And started learning songs by Neil Young and Jethro Tull.
-I started using my dad's guitar at age 12 (yeah, I didn't get my own) and started leaning songs by Third Eye Blind. Le major sigh!

WHERE DID MY LIFE GO WRONG?! As you can see by the information I have just presented, it was clearly the part about learning Third Eye Blind songs. Those assholes are the only reason why I am not playing Coachella and Bonnaroo and Sasquatch later this year. When I am dying in my deathbed, or deathfuton (let's face it, times are tough and unpredictable for us struggling foo's), and I am asked if I regret anything, it will be learning Jumper on guitar and not something cooler.

In conclusion, what happened to Third Eye Blind anyway? Are they still making music? If so, I need to warn any twelve year olds who may be wanting to learn the ways of the guitar using their music. Then I am gonna need their fan mail address and write them a letter asking for an apology.

*Watched a lot of youtube videos. A lot of them!