Monday, December 12, 2011

Boooooo, Ghosts. Boooooo!

What is the deal with these ghosts, eh? I mean, why is it that when we hear of places being haunted it is always ghosts scaring people to death. Look at every movie ever made (Casper being the only exception. I bet that wimp never got laid). Just what in the world do ghosts have to be so angry about? They died? Big whoop. Why be an asshole? Why? Let’s look at the advantages of being a ghost, shall we. We shall. Okay, first off, um you can fly and teleport travel everywhere. That right there is like the biggest deal sealer for me. And what do you do, ghosts? You waste it. You stay in the same lame ass, old ass house where you died, or lived. Lame! If you need more proof than that that being a ghost is cooler and better than being a human, um how about this? You don’t have a physical body, therefore, you do not feel physical pain. No cramps, no toothaches, no migraines, no ‘just got kicked in the balls’, none of that stuff. Still need more? Okay, okay. I’m pretty sure since you don’t have a physical body, and ghosts don’t usually travel in packs (it’s a lonely life for ghosts) you don’t need to and wouldn’t date, be in relationships, be married, or any of that mess. That means no emotional pain. No drah-mah! Let’s recap, flying/teleporting? Yes. No physical pain? Yes. No emotional drama pain? Um, yes please. Oh and also since you have no body and nobody you don’t even have to stress over your appearance. I mean what more can ghosts ask for?

Now, if and when I’m a ghost (because if I remember correctly, we all get to be ghosts when we have unfinished business, and with all the time I spend YouTubing and just sitting around reading and listening to music, I will no doubt have lots of unfinished business) I would be using my ghost powers for good. I would be like a ghost superhero (if there already is a ghost superhero, do not tell me about it, and go back to reading your comics, nerd. Ha) I would use my flying and teleporting abilities to travel the world. Because, let’s face, that will probably be the only way I’m gonna get to see the pyramids of Egypt. I am the 99%. I mean, who would wanna stay in the same old ass house and haunt people in the future who have nothing to do with you? Get a life, ghosts!
Isn’t haunting just so exhausting anyway? Like, my therapist, astrologist, and spirit guide (don’t judge me, they aren’t really real anyway) all agree that all those bad, negative feelings are really just bad for you. It’s best to bury the hatchet while one still physically can. Let bygones be bygones (what else can they be? Bacon?) And leave all grudges behind. Just be nice. You don’t have to be Casper, but be a nice ghost. So, I wouldn’t get back at my enemies. They would’ve all died before me anyway. And I would not haunt poor innocent people, because I have “ghost issues”. No. I would, however, prank the hell out of loved ones I left behind. Hahaha! Oh man, I’d prank them so hard! Haha!! I would tell you what those pranks would be like, but if you are a loved one of mine, and you are reading this, I do not want to ruin it for you.
Also, the only haunting* I would do would be inside a rugby or soccer locker room and Ryan Gosling’s bathroom.

In conclusion, ghosts, if you are reading this, just calm down, relax, take up ghost yoga and stop being so angry and scary and asshole-y, ghosts.

That is all.

*Lurking around. It isn’t weird if you are a ghost.