Friday, September 9, 2011

I wanna hold your hand, but after you cut your nails.

I have always been a short nails type of lady. Ok, if I can be honest with myself and everyone who finds themselves reading this, I bought a copy of the Spice Girls first album when it came out, and I am really no lady. Not that the two things are connected, I’m just trying out the honesty thing. Also I enjoyed the album. Still do. Ok that’s too much truth in advertisement.

I have only had my nails long for two occasions in my life, one time to be fancy, and the other because I was bored. Both times ended with blood and pain and tears and scars and did I mention blood? I finally realized that long nails are not for me. Ever. I have accepted and embraced this about myself, why can’t you? (Mom and ladies at my office) When I say short nails, I mean I cut them as soon as I see some white. I have just never been able to understand why anyone would have long nails. Now, I’m no scientist, but I do pretend to be one to get me some boys to the yard. It never works, but does that stop me? No. Do I cry about it? Never…in public. I decided to take the scientific skills I attained in the 6th grade science fair out for a spin. The question was simple: “What are the advantages of having long nails?”

Armed with a pair of sunglasses to conceal my staring, my undivided attention, and a can of pepper spray in case the situation asked for it, because let’s face it, this is LA, I watched several subjects. After much data recorded (mentally), I came up with the following conclusion(s):

Advantages of Having Long Nails:

-Scratching feels good. It takes less time to satisfy an itch.

-Weapon. In a fight, if used correctly, they can almost be like your very own natural shank.

-Guitar pick. I can’t do it, but I’ve seen girls (and my great grandfather) play guitar with them a lot easier.

-Longer/taller fingers. I know what you are thinking and yes, the longer/taller middle finger wins the flipping-off off.

-Scooping. When cooking, eating, cleaning your ear wax, snorting your crack, etc. etc.

-Flossing.

-Popping pimples.

-Opening mail.

-Fat-free snack when anxious.

-Finding the start of a roll if tape.

-Getting out of doing things because you just “got your nails did.”

In conclusion, if you have long nails, we're cool, but we don't need to shake hands.

2 comments:

  1. LMAO! Scooping!!! I like my nails short, too ... life is so complicated enough already (or can be) - short nails just makes things easier! I went through my girly phase in the late 90s ... didn't last. I tried it recently, but I quickly re-learned it ain't for me!

    I like to paint mine - especially black or blue. ; )

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  2. I completely agree Anu! and i totally love you!

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