Friday, September 9, 2011

I wanna hold your hand, but after you cut your nails.

I have always been a short nails type of lady. Ok, if I can be honest with myself and everyone who finds themselves reading this, I bought a copy of the Spice Girls first album when it came out, and I am really no lady. Not that the two things are connected, I’m just trying out the honesty thing. Also I enjoyed the album. Still do. Ok that’s too much truth in advertisement.

I have only had my nails long for two occasions in my life, one time to be fancy, and the other because I was bored. Both times ended with blood and pain and tears and scars and did I mention blood? I finally realized that long nails are not for me. Ever. I have accepted and embraced this about myself, why can’t you? (Mom and ladies at my office) When I say short nails, I mean I cut them as soon as I see some white. I have just never been able to understand why anyone would have long nails. Now, I’m no scientist, but I do pretend to be one to get me some boys to the yard. It never works, but does that stop me? No. Do I cry about it? Never…in public. I decided to take the scientific skills I attained in the 6th grade science fair out for a spin. The question was simple: “What are the advantages of having long nails?”

Armed with a pair of sunglasses to conceal my staring, my undivided attention, and a can of pepper spray in case the situation asked for it, because let’s face it, this is LA, I watched several subjects. After much data recorded (mentally), I came up with the following conclusion(s):

Advantages of Having Long Nails:

-Scratching feels good. It takes less time to satisfy an itch.

-Weapon. In a fight, if used correctly, they can almost be like your very own natural shank.

-Guitar pick. I can’t do it, but I’ve seen girls (and my great grandfather) play guitar with them a lot easier.

-Longer/taller fingers. I know what you are thinking and yes, the longer/taller middle finger wins the flipping-off off.

-Scooping. When cooking, eating, cleaning your ear wax, snorting your crack, etc. etc.


-Popping pimples.

-Opening mail.

-Fat-free snack when anxious.

-Finding the start of a roll if tape.

-Getting out of doing things because you just “got your nails did.”

In conclusion, if you have long nails, we're cool, but we don't need to shake hands.


  1. LMAO! Scooping!!! I like my nails short, too ... life is so complicated enough already (or can be) - short nails just makes things easier! I went through my girly phase in the late 90s ... didn't last. I tried it recently, but I quickly re-learned it ain't for me!

    I like to paint mine - especially black or blue. ; )

  2. I completely agree Anu! and i totally love you!