Sunday, September 25, 2011

My Guitar Heroes

Everyday that I wake up and I don't have to be on a stage somewhere later that night making noise with my guitar is a big fat fail. Yes. A big fat fail. It's not so bad though. I mean, I have a pretty big imagination and I have rocked out many a times on my living room to a crowd of imaginary fans. Since my neighbors have never called the cops on me, I suspect I must be pretty alright. Now, since you, reader, have not seen me rock out, you will just have to take my word for it. Just the other day I was so into it that I continued playing after the sun had set and I could not see a thing, except for the little red light that indicated the amplifier was on. Then I heard a noise and got scared, and quickly turned on every light in the apartment. Turned out the noise was a G#m that I was playing. I guess you can say my own rock'n'roll-ness scares me sometimes. Go ahead. Say it. I'll wait....

I have always loved music and anything to do with music, more than anything else in life. (Cookies & cream ice cream come in a close second) I can play a little of a couple instruments. I started with violin when I was a kiddo, and I know my chords around the keyboard. And judging from the way I have been banging my hands on the steering wheel and desks, I am a pretty decent drummer. However, guitar has been my weapon of choice for a lot of years now. Don't ask me how many, because I can't find my calculator anywhere.

I just wish I was as awesome as the following three ladies, whom I absolutely admire and sometimes contemplate building a time machine and being born one of them instead. Don't ask me how that will work because I cannot find my calculator anywhere. Let me put it to you this way, if I were a zombie, I would most definitely eat their brains. Was that too creepy? Well, whatever. If you 've never had tacos de sesos, you do not know how delicious it is what I just said.

These are totes (ugh! I promised myself I'd never use that word) my guitar heroes.
And if you click on the video link and watch, you will see why.

Lizzie Powell (Land of Talk)

Annie Clark (St. Vincent)

Theresa Wayman (Warpaint)

In conclusion, Why wasn't born awesome like them? Le sigh.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I wanna hold your hand, but after you cut your nails.

I have always been a short nails type of lady. Ok, if I can be honest with myself and everyone who finds themselves reading this, I bought a copy of the Spice Girls first album when it came out, and I am really no lady. Not that the two things are connected, I’m just trying out the honesty thing. Also I enjoyed the album. Still do. Ok that’s too much truth in advertisement.

I have only had my nails long for two occasions in my life, one time to be fancy, and the other because I was bored. Both times ended with blood and pain and tears and scars and did I mention blood? I finally realized that long nails are not for me. Ever. I have accepted and embraced this about myself, why can’t you? (Mom and ladies at my office) When I say short nails, I mean I cut them as soon as I see some white. I have just never been able to understand why anyone would have long nails. Now, I’m no scientist, but I do pretend to be one to get me some boys to the yard. It never works, but does that stop me? No. Do I cry about it? Never…in public. I decided to take the scientific skills I attained in the 6th grade science fair out for a spin. The question was simple: “What are the advantages of having long nails?”

Armed with a pair of sunglasses to conceal my staring, my undivided attention, and a can of pepper spray in case the situation asked for it, because let’s face it, this is LA, I watched several subjects. After much data recorded (mentally), I came up with the following conclusion(s):

Advantages of Having Long Nails:

-Scratching feels good. It takes less time to satisfy an itch.

-Weapon. In a fight, if used correctly, they can almost be like your very own natural shank.

-Guitar pick. I can’t do it, but I’ve seen girls (and my great grandfather) play guitar with them a lot easier.

-Longer/taller fingers. I know what you are thinking and yes, the longer/taller middle finger wins the flipping-off off.

-Scooping. When cooking, eating, cleaning your ear wax, snorting your crack, etc. etc.


-Popping pimples.

-Opening mail.

-Fat-free snack when anxious.

-Finding the start of a roll if tape.

-Getting out of doing things because you just “got your nails did.”

In conclusion, if you have long nails, we're cool, but we don't need to shake hands.