Monday, July 11, 2011

Nobody messes with tall people.

I am not an anthropologist, per se, but I’m pretty sure no one messes with tall people. I know this because I am a tall person. I have always been taller than your average Mexican. At 5’8” I feel pretty confident that I have a physical advantage to intimidate most people just by standing next to them. I know what you are thinking, you’re thinking “Why am I reading this?” and “5’8” isn’t that tall.” And to you I say, ‘oh but it is tall.’ Next time you see me, just try and put me in a headlock, if you can reach that high, and see what happens. I should probably also mention that I am scrappy and kick like an octopus. Octopuses…octopussies?...octopusii?...do a lot of kicking because they have 8 tentacles that are like legs, so don’t argue with my simile. If it will make you feel better, reader, I will then say ‘I kick like a spider.’ They have 8 legs, right? That’s a lot of kicking. If you ask me, Spider Man should’ve also had extra 6 legs come with his super spider like powers. Think of all the ass kicking he could’ve done at once. All three movies could’ve been cut down to just one. But I digress.

Now, I know I am still a girl (and always will be; stop panicking mom), and just because I am tall doesn’t mean walking around the hood after dusk is a smart idea. Not unless I’m looking for a good workout, however the event turns out. I purchased what I thought was a rape whistle, but turned out to be one of those whistles used for hunting that calls forest animals. I tested the whistle in the park once, and let’s just say should a Disney character ever try to rape me, or should I ever attend a ball and need a last minute dress/make over, I am covered. Help is just a whistle blow away.

In conclusion, here are some of the neat advantages of being tall…

- Kicking someone in the face is very possible. No karate training needed.
- Doesn’t matter who you are standing behind at a concert. You will have a good view. (Ok, it may matter who you stand behind. Some drunk assholes can ruin it for everyone.)
- You can ride all the rides.
- You can reach all the high places in kitchens/grocery stores/libraries/etc. If you are smart enough you can make money by charging a small fee (No pun intended) when small people ask you to reach something for them. (ok, pun intended a little…and I apologize)
- You can high five the heavens...if said heavens were real.

Furthermore, has anyone thought of Millipede Man?