Those of you who know me are well aware of the epic, dare I say, never ending war between myself and the most horrendously wicked song ever created Hotel California. Seven years before I was born the song Hotel California, which will henceforth be referred to as HC, has been reeking havoc about and amongst those who come across it. Most are too weak to resist its wickedness and have been defeated. For those seven years the world was in need of a champion. Someone who would take it upon themselves to carry the burden of truth and the duty to (haha I said dooo-dy) awaken the blind and help the fallen rise from the pits of defeat. Well, on March 27, 1984, at around sometime in the afternoon, after hours and hours of labor, and some complications, that Champion was born…actually let’s round it off to ten days after that, because apparently I was almost dying at birth and had to stay in the hospital some extra time. That was, in fact, the very first attempt HC would make on YC. While YC was just a newly born, innocent, and defenseless child. Yes, HC who had been plotting for 9 months to prevent this birth from happening. However, fate (pfffft I said fate) would prevail.
Of course, YC did not know she was born a champion….ok, im not gonna talk about myself in the third person. That’s so something HC would do….I did not know I was born a champion. Did not know my purpose in life was to fight for the right to HC-free paaaaaarty. Ah, that was lame. Apologies. But I did not in fact know that I was the one who would put a stop to HC’s reign of bad lyrics and lame riffs. As a child, I grew up in a household where both authority figures were under the, what I like to call, HC virus. This helped YC learn her enemy…oh I did it again. The creepy third person thing. Ugh. This helped me learn my enemy but more importantly it helped me realize that I had an enemy. After hearing the song I knew I had a calling. It was loud and clear as…um…a very loud and clear thing. (I’m tired. Don’t judge.)
The mission, MY mission, is to bring truth and awareness of the horridness (Is that a word? Horridness?) of HC, to stop it from causing any more pain and suffering and pain and just make it go far, far, far away. Yes, my mission is simple, but by no means is it an easy one. HC has had an advantage of brainwashing everyone before I came along and getting away with ‘good music’ murder (See what I did there?). As soon as I started talking, I started on my mission to help others see the light….oh wow, that totally sounded very Jehovah’s witnessy… Unfortunately breaking that spell is a lot harder said than done when HC recruits “people” like the Black Eyed Peas (yes, the BEP’s are majorly influenced by HC, especially Fergie. This is not a rumor because it is in my blog) and Ke$ha, and Miley Cyrus, and Taylor Swift, and that asshole who cut you off this morning on route to work, and the girl/guy who broke your heart, etc.; and is behind the headache you had last week, and the bad day you had at work, and the sleepless nights, and the cancellation of your favorite tv show, and the movie you were looking forward to watching actually turning out to suck ass, etc. etc. Well, all this means is that HC knows it is losing the battle, thus it resorts to help from its minions to make YC…err….me have a tougher fight. But to that I say “Is that all you’ve got, HC?!” I would go further into saying that I eat pieces of shit like it for breakfast, but I actually keep a well balanced diet and like my cereals or oatmeals for breakfast.
I have been fighting this fight for 26 years now, and I will keep fighting it until my last breath because it is an important fight to fight. (Five. I used the word fight(ing) five times in that sentence). I do it because I know that it is my responsibility, but more importantly I do it for you all. For everything bad that happens to you in life, it is all because of HC. HC is sick and twisted like that. It wants everyone to love it, it wants to own everyone (“You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave!”), and yet it causes nothing but suffering and pain. If that is not a bigger sign of it having major parental issues and childhood trauma, I dunno what is. I tried getting HC to go to a professional and work those things out but I could only do so much. Therapy only works if one is willing to work and recognizes one needs it. HC is one stubborn bitch. So I gave up on trying to help HC and am now only focusing on helping those it harms. “Hero” is a word I will not use to describe myself, but will certainly not stop or correct you if you choose to use it.
In conclusion, Hotel California is the lamest, most overrated song in the world of all time, and the most evil. It is everywhere, and I need you to help me stop it and make it go away forever!
P.S. I’m thinking of making myself a costume with a cape and a logo.
P.P.S. Remember, every time you listen to Hotel California, another puppy loses its wings. That’s why we don’t have any flying puppies. Are you pleased with yourself? How do you sleep at night?