Monday, June 28, 2010

My upstairs neighbors are a couple of horn dogs.

I have the sneaking suspicion that my upstairs neighbors are producing porn videos in their apartment. They do it way too often for their age. Ok, I don’t want to sound like a hater here. Good for them, in their fifties they still get down regularly (make love, not war, right?). However, I would like to be oblivious to the fact. Just yesterday they woke me up at 4am, because they apparently never let morning wood go to waste, and then again “serenaded” me to sleep at around 10pm. Gross! Old people doing it is not the last thing I want to hear when I go to bed nor the first thing to wake me up before the crack of dawn. It’s not like they last very long…ooooooh! Ha. But I would like it if it happens when I am not around so that I am not reminded of the horrible memory of walking in on my parents (twice….*shivers*) and potentially bring nightmares. I thought about playing loud music to drown out their noises, but given the music I mostly like to listen to, I think it may backfire and get them even more into it.
So to help my situation and avoid elongating therapy sessions, I’ve come up with a list of things I’d like to pretend my neighbors are doing instead of doing it.

1. Replaced their bed with a trampoline and are practicing their tricks because they work in the circus during the summer.

2. They are ninjas and always get attacked in their bedroom by the monster in the closet.

3. They are actually monkeys and are jumping on the bed.

4. They are very short and the only way to turn off their ceiling fan is by jumping on the bed to try and reach it.

5. They will soon be contestants on the show Gladiator (do they still show that show somewhere?) and are practicing with each other.

6. They are working out to an extremely insane workout that uses no machines, no weights, and a lot of headboard.

7. They are checking their wall for termites. (I’m not sure if hitting a wall repeatedly with a headboard is an effective way to check for termites, but maybe neither do my neighbors).

8. They are art thieves and after every heist, they come home and hang the paintings they just stole.

9. Because of the economy, they had to move fight club to their bedroom and they are they only two members left.

10. They are fans of river dance and practice on the bed to avoid injuries because they aren’t very good at it yet, and so they don’t cause as much noise….kind of like a muted trumpet.

In conclusion, I hope never to run into my upstairs neighbors because I could not look them in the face.

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