Monday, December 14, 2009

Should an Atheist be Christmas shopping?

The following happened exactly and approximately on Saturday December 12, 2009

Now, if you know me, you know I’m a “work first, play later” type of gal. (Sure by play I mostly mean lay around watching tv on hulu while eating cookies and drinking mouthwash, if that’s the only thing I have with any “kick” to it, but I’m totally fine with it. Really. :-/ Fine). If I have errands or things to get done on my weekends I do everything at once with no rest until I make sure everything is done. This weekend I decided to do my Christmas shopping. Since Sunday is for football mostly, I decided Saturday would be the day, rain or shine. Well, we got rain. I drove to a few different malls to find everything, and I must say it was very interesting to drive in the hard rain on the freeway. Last on my items to buy was the gift for the person I got at work’s secret Santa thing. I was lucky to get the person I like the most at work and her list was simple. She had but one item on it “All she wants is a CD! Cool! I love musi….wait a minute. Wait. What? Who the f*** is?...Oh no, no no no. No! this is Christian music isn’t it? Poop!.” And just as I said that it began to rain even harder.
Unfortunately getting that item was going to require some… hunting.
I have no freaking idea where I would buy Christian music by a (what’s the proper term?….not the B word...but..) “Latino” artist. It’s been ages since I’ve been to church by…wait I’ve never been to church by choice. It was always by force. So I’m not religious at all (P.S. there is no god). I didn’t even know they recorded, let alone sold that music. I thought they’d just play it live during mass or something. Or maybe I just wished it. I drove to the most (what’s the right word?...not the B word…there’s more than just Mexicans there…) “Latino” shopping centers in my area. Still raining even harder and me without an umbrella. I walked into a couple music stores (wearing my hoodie, beanie, and maybe it was a little silly to wear sunglasses on a rainy day, but I have a reputation to protect. Don’t want anyone starting rumors about my taste in music. You can start any other rumor about me but none related to music thank you.) and I asked they all had no idea who I was asking for. “Poop!” I contemplated walking into any church and asking but im pretty sure if I walk into a church now I will melt or burst into flames or something. Plus it turns out they all aren’t Christian, and the ones I knew were Catholic. I even thought, “what if I go limewire this at home and burn her a copy?” but then I decided I didn’t want crap (<- this is why I’ll burst into flames if I walked into a church) nor viruses on my computer. After almost giving up on the hunt, clothes drenched in acid rain probably, and being exhausted from walking all day long almost to the point of prayer...almost…A not so nice, and a bit judgy, lady told me where I’d find a Christian store. Yes a store with nothing but Christian music/books/dvds and other crap. At this point I’m planning on going postal on the place if they don’t have the damn CD. Yes, I damned it to hell. I had suffered way too much to find it (I did find the Hoy Grail twice before I found the CD). I walk in there looking like I had just been swimming fully clothed (I was gonna say something silly about Noah’s arch but decided not to) I give the clerk guy (who kept calling me “Hermana”) the tiny paper I had with the “artist’s” name on it. He took about what seemed to be hours reading the paper. Ok, maybe it was just like a few minutes longer than he should’ve. I wondered whether he was even illiterate, he took way too long. “It’s a name, not an essay” I thought to myself. “Oh no, what if they don’t have it? What if this is punishment from the gods for negating their existence? What if I’m being punk’d? I’d like to punch Ashton Kutcher on the face just ‘cause” I thought some more.
After what seemed an eternity, (I mean I was getting dry already, dunno if from the long wait for him to read the paper or my losing my cool with every minute I waited) he finally said they did have it (and he called me “Hermana” some more). I bought it, and got out of there as soon as I could. I was wet, hungry, tired, and glad to be sitting in my car again and ready to go dry/eat/rest. As I sat in the car waiting for it to warm up a bit, I realized I had just learned a lesson. Christmas is about giving gift cards.
In conclusion, can’t I use my atheist card on Christmas to avoid such events?

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