Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. Time to make a list of things i'd like to do, but forget about the very next morning i promise to do them. I dont know if it is from the drinking expired eggnogg, or volunteering to diving head first into the concrete floor to mark our "dropping of the ball" to ring in the new year, but i always do forget all about the list of resolutions. Then come the end of the year when i realize that i didnt get any of those resolutions done and i feel losery. Well, this year i am doing things a lil different (that was my rapper nickname in jr high, "lil different", which was weird because i didnt rap...hmmm) I decided that making new year's resolutions is kind of pointless since i wont follow through and get any of them done. So instead of actually trying this year and getting at least one easy resolution done, just one, (ugh too much work) I will instead just avoid the losery feeling when come the time of the year when i realize i didnt get anything done. What i will do, is list things that i wouldnt wanna do anyway, so when i realize that i didnt get them done, this time i won't feel losery (well, not for this anyway) but i will feel pride, as in "hey, i didnt do any of these. I am so proud of myself". So, looking back at my last few years, this is what i came up with....

New Year's Resolutions (in no particular order)

1. Get arrested.

2. Go on a cookies and pies diet and gain lots of weight.

3. Go on a bookstore/cafe tour with my acoustic guitar playing different renditions of Hotel California.

4. Have a whole bunch of migraines every week.

5. Become the #1 Lakers fan.

6. Go to a Black Eyed Peas concert and become best friends with Fergie.

7. Get arrested again.

8. Watch Avatar.

9. More migraines.

10. Stay home all the time.

Wow, some of those actually made me barf in my mouth a lot!

Oh and couldnt talk about resolutions without thinking of this song...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Should an Atheist be Christmas shopping?

The following happened exactly and approximately on Saturday December 12, 2009

Now, if you know me, you know I’m a “work first, play later” type of gal. (Sure by play I mostly mean lay around watching tv on hulu while eating cookies and drinking mouthwash, if that’s the only thing I have with any “kick” to it, but I’m totally fine with it. Really. :-/ Fine). If I have errands or things to get done on my weekends I do everything at once with no rest until I make sure everything is done. This weekend I decided to do my Christmas shopping. Since Sunday is for football mostly, I decided Saturday would be the day, rain or shine. Well, we got rain. I drove to a few different malls to find everything, and I must say it was very interesting to drive in the hard rain on the freeway. Last on my items to buy was the gift for the person I got at work’s secret Santa thing. I was lucky to get the person I like the most at work and her list was simple. She had but one item on it “All she wants is a CD! Cool! I love musi….wait a minute. Wait. What? Who the f*** is?...Oh no, no no no. No! this is Christian music isn’t it? Poop!.” And just as I said that it began to rain even harder.
Unfortunately getting that item was going to require some… hunting.
I have no freaking idea where I would buy Christian music by a (what’s the proper term?….not the B word...but..) “Latino” artist. It’s been ages since I’ve been to church by…wait I’ve never been to church by choice. It was always by force. So I’m not religious at all (P.S. there is no god). I didn’t even know they recorded, let alone sold that music. I thought they’d just play it live during mass or something. Or maybe I just wished it. I drove to the most (what’s the right word?...not the B word…there’s more than just Mexicans there…) “Latino” shopping centers in my area. Still raining even harder and me without an umbrella. I walked into a couple music stores (wearing my hoodie, beanie, and maybe it was a little silly to wear sunglasses on a rainy day, but I have a reputation to protect. Don’t want anyone starting rumors about my taste in music. You can start any other rumor about me but none related to music thank you.) and I asked they all had no idea who I was asking for. “Poop!” I contemplated walking into any church and asking but im pretty sure if I walk into a church now I will melt or burst into flames or something. Plus it turns out they all aren’t Christian, and the ones I knew were Catholic. I even thought, “what if I go limewire this at home and burn her a copy?” but then I decided I didn’t want crap (<- this is why I’ll burst into flames if I walked into a church) nor viruses on my computer. After almost giving up on the hunt, clothes drenched in acid rain probably, and being exhausted from walking all day long almost to the point of prayer...almost…A not so nice, and a bit judgy, lady told me where I’d find a Christian store. Yes a store with nothing but Christian music/books/dvds and other crap. At this point I’m planning on going postal on the place if they don’t have the damn CD. Yes, I damned it to hell. I had suffered way too much to find it (I did find the Hoy Grail twice before I found the CD). I walk in there looking like I had just been swimming fully clothed (I was gonna say something silly about Noah’s arch but decided not to) I give the clerk guy (who kept calling me “Hermana”) the tiny paper I had with the “artist’s” name on it. He took about what seemed to be hours reading the paper. Ok, maybe it was just like a few minutes longer than he should’ve. I wondered whether he was even illiterate, he took way too long. “It’s a name, not an essay” I thought to myself. “Oh no, what if they don’t have it? What if this is punishment from the gods for negating their existence? What if I’m being punk’d? I’d like to punch Ashton Kutcher on the face just ‘cause” I thought some more.
After what seemed an eternity, (I mean I was getting dry already, dunno if from the long wait for him to read the paper or my losing my cool with every minute I waited) he finally said they did have it (and he called me “Hermana” some more). I bought it, and got out of there as soon as I could. I was wet, hungry, tired, and glad to be sitting in my car again and ready to go dry/eat/rest. As I sat in the car waiting for it to warm up a bit, I realized I had just learned a lesson. Christmas is about giving gift cards.
In conclusion, can’t I use my atheist card on Christmas to avoid such events?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Santa,

Here is my Christmas list.

1. The 11th commandment. Yeah that’s right. I want the 11th commandment. Is there a rule that there need only be 10? I don’t think so. So I am adding the 11th on my Christmas list. I want it to be about me, of course. Something along the lines of “Thou shall not break Y.C.’s heart” and of course the tricky part will be that because it is a commandment people are obviously going to break it so maybe we add a second part about the consequences of disobeying the 11th commandment. In fact let me just go ahead and write the 11th commandment for you, Santa. Then you, Santa, can just give it to me for Xmas (and by that I mean publish it, legalize it, amend it, whatever needs to be done.)
-11th Commandment: Thou shall not break Y.C.’s heart. If thou breaketh thou shall suffer consequences so big that thou will wish thou had breaketh one of the other “not so important” ten commandments instead.

2. An army of teddy bears. Now an army of teddy bears is probably double the size of a human one. My tb (short for teddy bear) army and I would go around the world fighting mean people. Now we wouldn’t necessarily use violence but we could if need be. (I would like it if the tbs already know their ninja moves, but I can teach them. It’s cool. It could give us bonding quality time and, if we video tape it, a potentially cool montage) Then after we’ve won the war on mean/hateful/jerky people, we would celebrate by hugging (and no hugging is not a euphemism).

3. The banishment of Hotel California. It is no secret that HC and I have been archnemesis since the beginning of time. Nothing would make me happier this Christmas to the power of forever and a day times infinity and beyond if that song died and/or went away to annoy someone else out there in the universe.

4. The cookie touch. Yes this is exactly what it sounds like…wait, no not exactly what it sounds like, it sorta sounds like cookie molestation. I meant it more like the Midas touch, ya get my drift. Everything I touch to turn into a delicious warm cookie. But at command, I don’t want any drama when I go potty. Also, I know you can do this, Santa, because you are magic. I believe in you!

And finally (yes that is an “and” not an “or” because let’s face it, I’ve been a good girl this year and always so I deserve nothing short of all of the things I listed plus tip!)

5. The San Diego Chargers to win the Superbowl more times than the darn Steelers who have the most rings. I am willing to negotiate and settle for just giving me Philip Rivers. Oh and if the Mavs can win some rings too, that would be great!

That is all.

Love, Y.C.