I’ve always wanted to be a Superhero. And I think this goes back to before I used to play Power Rangers with my brother and cousin (I was Triny, because only the original Power Rangers were the shit. And btw, what was with that name? I’ve never met a Triny in real life. And that name is too close to tranny…hmmmm) Anyway, I was thinking about it and I think I came to the conclusion that as much as I’d like to be a Superhero and save people, I really could never be one. Here are the reasons why:
1. First of all, save people?!! Pshhh. As if I’m not going to be selective and be saving only people I like and/or want to like me. I’d probably be asking the victim, at the time of distress, questions to see if I consider them worth saving (though since I am a superhero in this fantasy, why don’t we just pretend I have the power to see into their pasts and/or personalities). If they are douche bags, bad drivers, dicks to their moms, kicked a puppy once and/or think Hotel California is the best song ever written, then yeah, maybe the villain is the true hero in those cases. Yeah, I’d be a selective/judgy superhero (<- how about that for a name?)
2. Costume change. Having to change into my costume every time I need to save someone would be annoying. I barely even like changing out of my pajamas on my days off. I never understood how Buffy would always manage to change outfits and do her hair before she had to stop the apocalypse.
3. Uniform. Of course I’d be wearing some type of green ensemble, but tights, really?!?!? I mean what’s wrong with jeans? Don’t even get me started on the cape. And I know I’m not very good when it comes to dressing myself, but I think even I know that I would not look good in tights. I’ve seen myself in tights. I still have nightmares.
4. I would be pretty kick ass at kicking ass, I’m kind of a thug; it’s true. But then I probably would go around picking fights whenever crime was running low, or all the victims were people I wouldn’t save anyway. Like if one of my villains takes over el barrio, I think I might pass on that and pick a fight somewhere else.
5. Secret identity. I probably would be good at keeping my identity from the majority of people (people i don’t like or want to be asking for my help all the time), but I would, of course, tell people I like so they’d be impressed. Then I’d be extremely insecure because I’d think they only like me because I am a Superhero, and then I’d start drinking.
6. Super Powers. Are you kidding me? If I can fly, why would I ever want to walk again? But most superheroes never ask for/choose their powers, so I, of course with my luck, would probably get lame powers like morph into a lamb or swim without needing to breathe underwater (<-yeah that’s a lame power, is the universe covered in water? No!)
7. Theme song. It’s bad enough having to choose a favorite song of all time. Plus knowing me, I’d want a very depressing song like “Down in a hole” by Alice in Chains, or “Breathe Me” by Sia, and I just don’t think that says “I’m gonna save the world, you can trust me”.
8. Did I mention the tights?
9. I have allergies and I’m kind of blind. So if I manage to see well enough to find where I need to be then let’s hope I can stop sneezing long enough to kick some ass.
10. The name. I just don’t think you can sum up my awesomeness/coolness/badassness/dopeness in just one word. Nope. And I don’t think I can pull off the no name and just symbol thing like Prince, I’m not purple enough.
So in conclusion, I cannot, even thought I wanna, be a Superhero. I’m sorry world. But on the plus side, I think these same reasons qualify me to be the best president some countries have ever had/will ever have.