Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. Time to make a list of things i'd like to do, but forget about the very next morning i promise to do them. I dont know if it is from the drinking expired eggnogg, or volunteering to diving head first into the concrete floor to mark our "dropping of the ball" to ring in the new year, but i always do forget all about the list of resolutions. Then come the end of the year when i realize that i didnt get any of those resolutions done and i feel losery. Well, this year i am doing things a lil different (that was my rapper nickname in jr high, "lil different", which was weird because i didnt rap...hmmm) I decided that making new year's resolutions is kind of pointless since i wont follow through and get any of them done. So instead of actually trying this year and getting at least one easy resolution done, just one, (ugh too much work) I will instead just avoid the losery feeling when come the time of the year when i realize i didnt get anything done. What i will do, is list things that i wouldnt wanna do anyway, so when i realize that i didnt get them done, this time i won't feel losery (well, not for this anyway) but i will feel pride, as in "hey, i didnt do any of these. I am so proud of myself". So, looking back at my last few years, this is what i came up with....

New Year's Resolutions (in no particular order)

1. Get arrested.

2. Go on a cookies and pies diet and gain lots of weight.

3. Go on a bookstore/cafe tour with my acoustic guitar playing different renditions of Hotel California.

4. Have a whole bunch of migraines every week.

5. Become the #1 Lakers fan.

6. Go to a Black Eyed Peas concert and become best friends with Fergie.

7. Get arrested again.

8. Watch Avatar.

9. More migraines.

10. Stay home all the time.

Wow, some of those actually made me barf in my mouth a lot!

Oh and couldnt talk about resolutions without thinking of this song...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Should an Atheist be Christmas shopping?

The following happened exactly and approximately on Saturday December 12, 2009

Now, if you know me, you know I’m a “work first, play later” type of gal. (Sure by play I mostly mean lay around watching tv on hulu while eating cookies and drinking mouthwash, if that’s the only thing I have with any “kick” to it, but I’m totally fine with it. Really. :-/ Fine). If I have errands or things to get done on my weekends I do everything at once with no rest until I make sure everything is done. This weekend I decided to do my Christmas shopping. Since Sunday is for football mostly, I decided Saturday would be the day, rain or shine. Well, we got rain. I drove to a few different malls to find everything, and I must say it was very interesting to drive in the hard rain on the freeway. Last on my items to buy was the gift for the person I got at work’s secret Santa thing. I was lucky to get the person I like the most at work and her list was simple. She had but one item on it “All she wants is a CD! Cool! I love musi….wait a minute. Wait. What? Who the f*** is?...Oh no, no no no. No! this is Christian music isn’t it? Poop!.” And just as I said that it began to rain even harder.
Unfortunately getting that item was going to require some… hunting.
I have no freaking idea where I would buy Christian music by a (what’s the proper term?….not the B word...but..) “Latino” artist. It’s been ages since I’ve been to church by…wait I’ve never been to church by choice. It was always by force. So I’m not religious at all (P.S. there is no god). I didn’t even know they recorded, let alone sold that music. I thought they’d just play it live during mass or something. Or maybe I just wished it. I drove to the most (what’s the right word?...not the B word…there’s more than just Mexicans there…) “Latino” shopping centers in my area. Still raining even harder and me without an umbrella. I walked into a couple music stores (wearing my hoodie, beanie, and maybe it was a little silly to wear sunglasses on a rainy day, but I have a reputation to protect. Don’t want anyone starting rumors about my taste in music. You can start any other rumor about me but none related to music thank you.) and I asked they all had no idea who I was asking for. “Poop!” I contemplated walking into any church and asking but im pretty sure if I walk into a church now I will melt or burst into flames or something. Plus it turns out they all aren’t Christian, and the ones I knew were Catholic. I even thought, “what if I go limewire this at home and burn her a copy?” but then I decided I didn’t want crap (<- this is why I’ll burst into flames if I walked into a church) nor viruses on my computer. After almost giving up on the hunt, clothes drenched in acid rain probably, and being exhausted from walking all day long almost to the point of prayer...almost…A not so nice, and a bit judgy, lady told me where I’d find a Christian store. Yes a store with nothing but Christian music/books/dvds and other crap. At this point I’m planning on going postal on the place if they don’t have the damn CD. Yes, I damned it to hell. I had suffered way too much to find it (I did find the Hoy Grail twice before I found the CD). I walk in there looking like I had just been swimming fully clothed (I was gonna say something silly about Noah’s arch but decided not to) I give the clerk guy (who kept calling me “Hermana”) the tiny paper I had with the “artist’s” name on it. He took about what seemed to be hours reading the paper. Ok, maybe it was just like a few minutes longer than he should’ve. I wondered whether he was even illiterate, he took way too long. “It’s a name, not an essay” I thought to myself. “Oh no, what if they don’t have it? What if this is punishment from the gods for negating their existence? What if I’m being punk’d? I’d like to punch Ashton Kutcher on the face just ‘cause” I thought some more.
After what seemed an eternity, (I mean I was getting dry already, dunno if from the long wait for him to read the paper or my losing my cool with every minute I waited) he finally said they did have it (and he called me “Hermana” some more). I bought it, and got out of there as soon as I could. I was wet, hungry, tired, and glad to be sitting in my car again and ready to go dry/eat/rest. As I sat in the car waiting for it to warm up a bit, I realized I had just learned a lesson. Christmas is about giving gift cards.
In conclusion, can’t I use my atheist card on Christmas to avoid such events?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Santa,

Here is my Christmas list.

1. The 11th commandment. Yeah that’s right. I want the 11th commandment. Is there a rule that there need only be 10? I don’t think so. So I am adding the 11th on my Christmas list. I want it to be about me, of course. Something along the lines of “Thou shall not break Y.C.’s heart” and of course the tricky part will be that because it is a commandment people are obviously going to break it so maybe we add a second part about the consequences of disobeying the 11th commandment. In fact let me just go ahead and write the 11th commandment for you, Santa. Then you, Santa, can just give it to me for Xmas (and by that I mean publish it, legalize it, amend it, whatever needs to be done.)
-11th Commandment: Thou shall not break Y.C.’s heart. If thou breaketh thou shall suffer consequences so big that thou will wish thou had breaketh one of the other “not so important” ten commandments instead.

2. An army of teddy bears. Now an army of teddy bears is probably double the size of a human one. My tb (short for teddy bear) army and I would go around the world fighting mean people. Now we wouldn’t necessarily use violence but we could if need be. (I would like it if the tbs already know their ninja moves, but I can teach them. It’s cool. It could give us bonding quality time and, if we video tape it, a potentially cool montage) Then after we’ve won the war on mean/hateful/jerky people, we would celebrate by hugging (and no hugging is not a euphemism).

3. The banishment of Hotel California. It is no secret that HC and I have been archnemesis since the beginning of time. Nothing would make me happier this Christmas to the power of forever and a day times infinity and beyond if that song died and/or went away to annoy someone else out there in the universe.

4. The cookie touch. Yes this is exactly what it sounds like…wait, no not exactly what it sounds like, it sorta sounds like cookie molestation. I meant it more like the Midas touch, ya get my drift. Everything I touch to turn into a delicious warm cookie. But at command, I don’t want any drama when I go potty. Also, I know you can do this, Santa, because you are magic. I believe in you!

And finally (yes that is an “and” not an “or” because let’s face it, I’ve been a good girl this year and always so I deserve nothing short of all of the things I listed plus tip!)

5. The San Diego Chargers to win the Superbowl more times than the darn Steelers who have the most rings. I am willing to negotiate and settle for just giving me Philip Rivers. Oh and if the Mavs can win some rings too, that would be great!

That is all.

Love, Y.C.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Jesus, will you marry me?

I didn’t dress up this Halloween, did you? It wasn’t for a lack of costume for me, (I’d like to blame it on having to maintain my reputation as one of the cool kids and dressing up is lame right kids? No answer. Because us cool kids are too cool for answering questions.) I had a costume that both my sisters have worn and sent to me to continue tradition?!?! No, so that I wouldn’t spend money on one. It’s a nun costume. It worked for them because they both used it in the years when they were pregnant, and we all know a pregnant nun is hilarious. So it worked for them. Well I am neither pregnant nor even in the running for it…was that an over share? Yes I’m all alone in the world; it’s fine. I only cry in the shower and drink myself to sleep. So I decided not to wear the costume party in fear that it would just feel so right when I put the thing on and suddenly feel like making a life change, and I don’t think im ready to give up and throw in the towel yet. I’m also not sure I’ve actually started to use the towel. Haven’t been very romantically active…and why am I sharing this?
So anyway, I think I just haven’t found anyone because I’ve been limited by time. Not that I don’t have time to date, I mean I have been limited by only being able to choose from people in this Time. Like wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could invent the time machine? Imagine the possibility of all the kinds of people you could date and marry. And suddenly becoming a nun nowadays makes more sense. Let’s face it, if Jesus Christ was alive he would have so much p*ssy? P***y? Puss*? (I’m trying to sensor it up a bit but I dunno which one is the right way to say pussy) I mean, the dude is a catch! How was no one ever able to marry that man? He was probably a player though. I could see it. He was popular and had the rockstar look, long hair et al. Which only made him more sexy right? Sigh. Well, If I had a time machine I would go to Jesus and I would ask him to marry me. I mean think about it. We’d never starve, he’d just keep making fish and bread, and I love seafood so fish diet is ok with me. And the water into wine thing! Water is everywhere, we’d make a living off of selling red wine or just be super happy and drunk all the time, either scenario sounds good to me. He is also a healer so no need for health insurance. No problem there. And he is a carpenter. He would probably build us a house and the furniture. Sure we would have some issues because he is all about loving everyone and whatnot and I’m just not sure I’m ok with sharing. But did I mention free red wine for life?! Plus the parties would be legendary, I mean look at how many people celebrate his birthday now. Imagine the anniversaries and whatnot.
In conclusion, I want to be Jesus Christ when I grow up!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I think i might be a bizodiac...

So after having another long talk with the bff about everything (I'll tell you her deep dark secrets if the price is right. I can usually be bought with a cookie. Or a promise of one.) we got into the discussion of zodiac signs (she is SO a Scorpio!) and she claims i am NOT my sign. My birth certificate says I was born on March 27th (year is irrelevant. Sometimes I can be a big baby. I also discovered reading my birth certificate that my middle name has no "h" at the end but i'm gonna keep it because it would be weirder without it. Thanks a lot parents! *sigh*) Now, last time i checked March 27th was well into the Aries. I remember back when i was in my "astrology" phase (i had a lot of phases apparently. Which i think is a trait of the Aries) I had all sorts of books and whatnot...ok just one book..that had like all the signs and described the person type by the day they were born. Well everything always seemed to sound accurate for me. I grew up knowing and believing i was in fact an Aries. But now here's the bff saying I am not at all an Aries. We looked up the signs and everything that described an Aries i was like "yeah! i so am that" and she was all "No. You are nothing like an Aries" and then i was like "um..your face is nothing like an Aries" and she was all "I'm not doing this" and i was all "come on! you know you wanna say: so's your face" and she was all "I know i dont wanna say it" and then i threw a fit and she called me a big baby...So anyway, she then accused me of being a Pisces. She read the Pisces report thingie and said it described me all the way. So then i wondered "Why would she call me a big baby?" and then i thought "hmmmm i wanna do the ice cream and cake" and then i considered the possibility of the bff being drunk, but then i thought "Wait, does she not know me at all? or have i just never been an Aries and fooled myself into thinking I was" Now i will admit that a lot of what she read on the Pisces stuff was very much like what i am like, but no one has ever told me that before. So then i began to wonder "Am i getting fat?" and "could i possible act and treat my bff differently than everyone else?" So i decided to ignore the rest of what she was saying and investigate. I went to the one person who would know more than anyone and be able to settle this once and for all. My Mother! (for those of you who don't know my mother, she is an so an Aries!...and she has known me all my life). Now, i knew there was complications with me at birth. She always talked about how i almost died. And while the idea of possibly being born on any day other than that of Fergie's bday (yuck! really God? Really? You are gonna make me share a bday with one of my biggest Archnemesis? what i would be asking if there was a God). I just dont think mom was in labor for over a week nor that there was some error in dates on my birth certificate....tho sometimes i wish there was an error in nationality ha! So i says to my mother, i says "Mom! My bff said I'm not an Aries and then called me a big baby" and then my mom said the words that no one has nor should ever say about my bff: "She's right." Well except she said it in Spanish. So my own mother, who is an Aries also accused me of not being one. So that was doubly ouch...ok not really ouch at all, but now i felt like i wanted to prove them wrong and further investigate this. According to Wikipedia and other such like websites, it is possible for a person to grow into a different sign and/or share traits of two signs, usually two adjacent ones, and more likely if ones bday lands on the days when the switch of signs is happening. After reading that online info i decided to call bullshit on the whole thing and go watch some tv.
In conclusion, Zodiac signs are stupid anyway. Astrology is lame...unless my horoscope tells me something i wanna hear. Am i supposed to be looking up Pisces horoscope too now? I am so confused. I dont even know who i am anymore. It's late i should sleep on it.

But first gotta go look up to see what my horoscopes have in store for me tomorrow....

Friday, August 21, 2009

Those were the days...

Being a grown up is sucky….i've heard, so I’m not looking forward to it. But Let’s face it kids, time is taking a shit on you... I know that probably makes no sense but I heard James Hetfield sing that live and just always wanted to use it. So anyway, I was thinking about all the neat things you get to do and weren’t frowned upon because you are just being a kid…(notice how I’m using words and phrases like “neat” and “frowned upon” so as to fool the reader into thinking that I’m actually kind of grown upy….hahaha “reader”…imagining is fun!) and I have come up with my very own list of my Top 6.3 (because I like to be random with my Top lists) things a kid can get away with and make being a kid non-sucky (making words up is fun! But sadly didn’t make it to the list).

1. Talking to your self or having imaginary friends.

2. Asking a fat lady if she’s pregnant.

3. Eating whatever you could fit in your mouth without worrying what part of the body it was going to go straight to.

4. Saying things like “eating whatever you could fit into your mouth” without thinking of naughty things.

5. Peeing or pooing anywhere accidentally. An adult can do that but then it results in a doctor visit.

6. No need to dress oneself when you have your mom working pro-bono as your personal fashionista.

6.3 Nap at any time of day without anyone thinking you are lazy or depressed.

In conclusion, I miss being a kid.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Viva Piñata!

No this isn't a blog about the video game/saturday morning animated kids show on fox (Wait, why do i know that?)...

Confession time: Raise your hand if you love piñatas. *raises hand with a little shame for embracing the beaner in me*.

Now when i was a kid i never really got to hit/break many piñatas. Not because i didnt really get invited to bday parties on account of my loserness, but the parties that i did go to i never got a piece of the piñata action. Reasons: 1. Too tall. Always in the back of the line. 2. I guess there really was just the tall thing... 3. Oh, and i was always very cool so i kept an aloof demeanor whilst (yeah i'm using whilst now) inside my heart was doing the zapateado dance to the tune of the "Mariachi Loco". Now i couldn't risk people thinking and knowing i actually like something Mexican. ha!
So whilst i watched tv last night and a commercial of kids hitting a piñata came on (no i wasnt watching Telemundo) I thought: "I missed out on a lot of piñata action! I need to catch up! Look at those happy tv child actors/little stuntmen!" and then i thought: "well, i'll never have a bday piñata now." and then i thought: "Im hungry" and then i thought: "I wonder if heaven got a ghetto" and then i replied to a text about something and then i went to pee, and then i thought: "Hey! Piñatas should be for more than just cumpleaños!"
Let me further explore that thought. I mean think about it. What better way to end the day, every day, than with a good piñata beating. So Mexicans, let's reconsider the piñata rule here. Good or bad day, what better way to end it than by beating the crap out of a flamboyant animal so its candy guts can either reward (if a good day) or cheer up (if a bad day). Am i right? or am i right?

also, i think i might have anger issues...i'm so violent.

p.s. if you are planning on dressing flamboyantly for halloween or that's just how you like to dress, it'd probably be best if you stay away from me and my baseball bat.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dear dude driving the red truck next to me on my way to work,

I think you owe me an apology. That awkward silence at the red light while the song changed on my cd player could've obviously been avoided had you given me the well deserved applause and cheers for my rocking out performance to Paramore's Decode. You should even feel special that you got to witness that, because i dont even do that infront of the mirror.
In conclusion, i forgive you.
Sincerely (because i can't sign it with "love" i dont even know you man),

p.s. if you tell anyone about my dance moves, i will cut you! I was just trying them out. I saw some things on you tube.
p.p.s. your truck needs a washing.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Welcome to the Hotel California from hell!!!

So, if you know me you know that i am so very not fond of the Eagles hit (why oh why is it even a hit) Hotel California. Well, as luck would have it, my co-worker whose office is right next to mine, is a big HC (because i hate it so much i dont feel the need to type in the whole title again) lover that she feels the need to play it fifty times in a row!! She even has a spanish version of it with some banda so she can play it 100 times in a row and still sorta feel like she's mixing it up. pffff. Anyway, for some reason Work Y.C. is a pussy and wont tell her to stop playing the god awful song! So instead i sit here listing (in no particular order) the things i'd rather be listening to than HC one million times in a row...

1. Cats mating
2. Five lawn mowers at a time
3. car alarms
4. work phone ringing off the hook
5. Dogs barking competition
6. a preschool class where all kids are throwing a tantrum
7. construction work
8. crying babies
9. a busted coo coo clock that wont stop coocooing
10. Paula Abdul talking

i could think of more but i think i've made my point...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

It's Morphin' Time!

I’ve always wanted to be a Superhero. And I think this goes back to before I used to play Power Rangers with my brother and cousin (I was Triny, because only the original Power Rangers were the shit. And btw, what was with that name? I’ve never met a Triny in real life. And that name is too close to tranny…hmmmm) Anyway, I was thinking about it and I think I came to the conclusion that as much as I’d like to be a Superhero and save people, I really could never be one. Here are the reasons why:

1. First of all, save people?!! Pshhh. As if I’m not going to be selective and be saving only people I like and/or want to like me. I’d probably be asking the victim, at the time of distress, questions to see if I consider them worth saving (though since I am a superhero in this fantasy, why don’t we just pretend I have the power to see into their pasts and/or personalities). If they are douche bags, bad drivers, dicks to their moms, kicked a puppy once and/or think Hotel California is the best song ever written, then yeah, maybe the villain is the true hero in those cases. Yeah, I’d be a selective/judgy superhero (<- how about that for a name?)

2. Costume change. Having to change into my costume every time I need to save someone would be annoying. I barely even like changing out of my pajamas on my days off. I never understood how Buffy would always manage to change outfits and do her hair before she had to stop the apocalypse.

3. Uniform. Of course I’d be wearing some type of green ensemble, but tights, really?!?!? I mean what’s wrong with jeans? Don’t even get me started on the cape. And I know I’m not very good when it comes to dressing myself, but I think even I know that I would not look good in tights. I’ve seen myself in tights. I still have nightmares.

4. I would be pretty kick ass at kicking ass, I’m kind of a thug; it’s true. But then I probably would go around picking fights whenever crime was running low, or all the victims were people I wouldn’t save anyway. Like if one of my villains takes over el barrio, I think I might pass on that and pick a fight somewhere else.

5. Secret identity. I probably would be good at keeping my identity from the majority of people (people i don’t like or want to be asking for my help all the time), but I would, of course, tell people I like so they’d be impressed. Then I’d be extremely insecure because I’d think they only like me because I am a Superhero, and then I’d start drinking.

6. Super Powers. Are you kidding me? If I can fly, why would I ever want to walk again? But most superheroes never ask for/choose their powers, so I, of course with my luck, would probably get lame powers like morph into a lamb or swim without needing to breathe underwater (<-yeah that’s a lame power, is the universe covered in water? No!)

7. Theme song. It’s bad enough having to choose a favorite song of all time. Plus knowing me, I’d want a very depressing song like “Down in a hole” by Alice in Chains, or “Breathe Me” by Sia, and I just don’t think that says “I’m gonna save the world, you can trust me”.

8. Did I mention the tights?

9. I have allergies and I’m kind of blind. So if I manage to see well enough to find where I need to be then let’s hope I can stop sneezing long enough to kick some ass.

10. The name. I just don’t think you can sum up my awesomeness/coolness/badassness/dopeness in just one word. Nope. And I don’t think I can pull off the no name and just symbol thing like Prince, I’m not purple enough.

So in conclusion, I cannot, even thought I wanna, be a Superhero. I’m sorry world. But on the plus side, I think these same reasons qualify me to be the best president some countries have ever had/will ever have.